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04 June 2015 @ 09:39 am
I hate that LJ went out of fashion. While it is an egocentric way to communicate, at least people used to communicate. At least we gave the time to each other to really read about and see what was going on in each others' lives. Not in the FB sense where things seem to be so overly filtered. The more we get seeped in technology, the less we connect even though the technology was created to help us connect. Intentions and outcomes.

I'm in one of my Hermit phases. It wasn't exactly a choice, just where things ended up. The Drow always told me "better no one than the wrong one" and that holds true for friends too. Sometimes I get a bit lonely, but the people I miss weren't really relieving my loneliness, they were just keeping it at bay. I grew up pretty much alone, it's odd that I find it so hard to do now. I guess too many years in a fairly extroverted counterculture will do that to you. I don't like feeling like I need people around every once in a while. I suppose I'll get over that in time, just like it took time to get used to having them around so often.

You would think I am being extremely prolific writing and reading but even that comes and goes in waves. I'm starting to understand the boon of having kids, that they break up the monotony, but that life still isn't for me.

I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. I was spoiled, having spent time with two women who felt like the other half of my self, who made me feel whole. But things changed, they changed and there's no going back. Even if I went back, it wouldn't be the same. Choices change things.

So, like Dante, I suppose the only way is straight ahead. I have no clue where I'm going but, I think I'm done hiding out in my little hermit cave. I can't go back, I can hope there are better things ahead, but, at very least I don't think there could be anything more lonely than the space I'm in now. I really do have nothing left to lose.
Current Location: Spiderland
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: none
12 September 2011 @ 11:14 pm
There is a strange sort of bliss in consuming a good book. While Thrall: Twilight of the Aspects was a slow start for me, it picked up a couple chapters in and I consumed the entire book today. It was powerful and resonating and the most perfect thing I could have read today. I should never have expected less of Golden. It uttered the words I needed to hear at exactly the time I needed to hear them. For the first time in days I am at peace and have some idea of the direction I want to move in. That is what books should do. They should expand our thoughts, help nudge us towards realizations and give hints as to how the puzzle pieces sitting in front of us fit together.
In the vein of my WoW therapy I started playing Setra again. I liked the character from creation but only used her the day I rolled her since I had too much I wanted to do on my main realm. Now she is the perfect vehicle for practicing being in the moment and I'm enjoying the time I choose to spend with her.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new book and hopefully some more WoW time. I was glad of the break but I'm craving it a bit more again and Azeroth does have a tendency of being very good therapy for me.

As an aside I have missed LJ much lately. It's nice to be back, even if it may be a dead site these days.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: enjoying the silence
19 February 2011 @ 11:37 am
Maybe it's just the pseudo-spring air but I'm thinking I need to get out more and be a bit more social. I was going through a friend's photo albums and got thinking about how much I used to do and how little I've been doing. As much as I love Azeroth and still have quite a few things I want to accomplish there I need to get out some too. It can be hard at times given how introverted I am and how easy it is for me to find reasons to not go out, having no job and no money definitely doesn't help the situation either.
I figure this is like any other goal. It's easy to say I want to get in shape but hard to do if you don't think in specifics like I will eat better or I will get out walking more. So I guess the plan, which is always subject to change is this, I will head out to Haven, Wicked, and maybe WWII at some point soon. Maybe I'll go to the March Dr. Sketchy's. I will make going out plans with friends I have not seen in too long. Hopefully this will be a good kick start.
17 February 2011 @ 10:32 am
If you could turn back time, how far back would you go?

If I could turn back time how far would I go? Hard to say. There are things in my past that time has given a golden tint to but those were things that fit the person I was then and wouldn't be the same now. "You can never go back" seems very true. While there are things in my past I miss my past belongs where it is, behind me.
08 July 2010 @ 12:27 pm
OMG I just saw my next tattoo! I'm so filled with excitement and urgency about this one, it's something I haven't felt since my X-Men tattoo and that was a long time ago. For me this one simple image encompasses so much. It's a reminder of Olrek, my favorite RPG character and my alter ego in many ways. It's a reminder of all the values that are central to me: passion, honor, magick, strength, and stubbornness. It's a reminder of all of what's best within me and that life can be painful but that pain shapes us into what we are. It's also a symbol of my coming out of the medication haze after two years of being numb, of reclaiming myself. And of course, it's a symbol of loss, of how temporary life really is and how important it is to live every day as if it were your last because you never know.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
08 July 2010 @ 01:24 am
It's been two years since a really posted anything here. Two years of therapy, of medication, of going back to school, of meeting new people, of falling out of touch with old people, of watching my father die, of so much more that it would be impossible to list.
I lied for a long time, telling myself I was okay, even believing it at times. I did grow and change but I cut a lot of myself off. About five days ago I stopped taking my meds. All the old connections I've been cut off from for the past two years came rushing back to me. I felt like a live wire stripped of it's insulation but I've also come to feel more like myself. I needed the buffer for a while but now I want myself back. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's overwhelming but it's real and I can actually feel things again. I spent hours tonight looking over old entries in this journal and it made me realize how much of myself I lost for a while.
Living is hard and painful and messy but I rather that then the numbness of stability.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: the AC whirling
15 February 2010 @ 09:17 pm
Life goes on. Life always goes on. For the first time ever I'm in a really good space. I'm not sure I know what to do with that. I've come so far in the past year, changed so much and accomplished more than I thought I was capable of. Part of me wonders, now what? I set a goal and I accomplished it (with flying colors). I never thought I would make it this far so I never stopped to think about what's next. What do I want to be next? I don't know. Maybe being where I am should be enough for now, but I've always been one to want more.
15 June 2008 @ 12:05 am
What do we do when our past destroys us? Burns us to cinders until nothing remains? We have a choice. We can become nothing, a mere ghost of ourselves forever haunted by what we once were, or, we can be reborn.

I am not the person I once was. We share the same history and the same memories but that is where the similarities end. Crysania was destroyed in blood and fire last Hallow's Eve. For months, I was nothing. I went through trials that tested every part of my being. Some I passed, some I failed. The more successes I had, the more someone new began to emerge. I was no longer seeking my soul mate, I had become them.

My journey, while mostly one of interspace, was not always a road taken alone. I've had, and continue to have, the support of a very select few extraordinary beings. At times their words help me to hear my own voice and their strength gives my rashness pause.

Who I was feels like a stranger to me. She never would have believed that the life I lead now was possible. If asked before, I would have said that people are not capable of change and yet, I have. I'm not sure if I'm the exception or the rule.

There are no bared doors before me, every path is open, where will I choose to go from here? Not even Odin in all his wisdom could predict that for sure.
Current Location: Sanctuary
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
12 October 2007 @ 01:10 pm
This song is haunting me.

I rarely ever listen to the radio. There are theories of using media (tv and radio) as a form of divination. Twice I've felt someone who has passed communicating with me through the radio, through the words that I stumbled across that happened to connect with my thoughts and questions and had an energetic feel to the moment. It's not the best description of the event but there are moments that have energy to them and are significant and there are moments that don't. This one did and I know who "sent" it but I'm not sure I completely understand the message.

"Never Too Late" - Three Days Grace (excerpts)

"This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it...

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again...

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late"

Is she trying to tell me that there is still hope left for me, specifically with the situation that was on my mind when I heard the words? Gods I would like to believe that's true.
30 September 2007 @ 04:52 pm
The words are lacking but the thoughts are all there.

Cleaning, purging, thinking, letting go. So much to let go of, so much that doesn't fit anymore, that isn't a part of me anymore. It's odd some of the things I can't let go of though, like a valentine someone made me last year. That person and I aren't talking, so why can't I let it go? Because I remember the good and I miss it, even if I don't think I can go back. So much of my life seems to be saying goodbye, closing doors. I wonder if I can even open them anymore.

Tomorrow it's October. I haven't been to a single Ren. Faire, haven't planned any trips, haven't done anything. As much as I was hurting last October, I was moving and in some ways things were starting to get better. I'm disgusted with myself for not moving, but so much has changed, mostly I feel like I'm alone. I can count on one hand, with fingers to spare, how many people actually feel like they are with me, and it hurts to see who's not there, who I always thought would be there but isn't anymore.
Current Mood: crappyawful